Our Rubric

Wondering what we use to grade the movies we review? Here's a quick look at our rubric and grading scale.

We judge movies based on three basic elements of filmmaking:

Story/Writing

What's the point of making a movie if it doesn't have a good story? If a movie is full of plot holes that it tries to fill with blood and guts, then one can rest assured it won't score well in this category.

For example, the original Saw Trilogy created the torture porn genre. It was shocking, bloody, and over the top. However, there was also a substantial story with well written characters and a thought provoking story.  It's not, and shouldn't, be impossible to write a good story.

Acting

Horror movies are notorious for either launching or ending an actors career. Before he was imprisoned by Supernatural, Jared Padelecki stared in 2005's House of Wax. Jessica Biel broke out of her 7th Heaven role in Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 2003.  And Jamie Lee Curtis became a star after she was featured in the all-time horror classic Prom Night. 

The actor will ultimately make a or break the movie. If the audience can't connect with that character then they're not going to care about what happens. Hell, even the actor playing the killer has to be good. There was a hot minute where the crew of Nightmare on Elm Street 2 thought Freddy could be played by just some guy in a mask. Could you imagine?

Editing

This one is simple. Don't try to get edgy and artsy with the editing. We don't need it and at the end of the day it'll either be incredible or a hot pile of shit.  (I'm looking at you Ulli Lommel. Stop rating your own movies on Rotten Tomatoes.)

Grading Scale

Movies are graded on a scale of:

  • "What the fuck?"
  • "Eh"
  • "Aw yeeeeeaaaaah"
Bonus rubric

As a homage to the great Wes Craven, the bonus rubric will encompass the "Rules" used in Scream telling how to survive a horror movie. For a bit of fun, we will put these three rules to the test in each film we review.

  1. You can never have sex. Sex = Death. (We all know it's a big no-no...)
  2. You can never drink or do drugs. (It's an extension of number one...)
  3. You can never, under any circumstances, say "I'll be right back" because you won't be right back.

So there you have it! I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife!